Just Before We Round Up

After concluding the series yesterday, one of my mentors reminded me of the importance of three expressions in marriage, and I consider it important to share this before we move on to another topic.

A word fitly spoken is like apples of gold in a picture of silver. Proverbs 25:11. When you speak right, your words will bring life. Words are powerful. They can kill and they can restore life. Certain words carry great potency, especially in Marriage.

One of such expressions is ‘I love you’. Most men are guilty of forgetting this expression after a few years in marriage. We are primarily the guilty party as men, myself inclusive. We often hide under the excuse that ‘but she knows I love her, even if I don’t say it’. Another excuse is that ‘if I keep telling her everyday, it might get into her head.’ We also feign ‘busy-ness’ saying ‘I am thinking of how to make money here’. Listen, these are all excuses. There is nothing wives desire more than to be told by their husbands that they are loved. It gives them sense of safety and security. They reciprocate this back in many ways. Don’t just act out love, say  ‘I love you’ to your wife regularly.

Another expression is ‘Thank you’. This is very difficult for some people to say. Maybe it is pride, sense of ingratitude, or dissatisfaction, whatever the reason, you must do away with it. Always appreciate your spouse with the words ‘Thank you’. Thank him for the gifts, for the money provided, no matter how small. Thank him for helping in house chores. Thank your wife after every meal. Thank her for looking after the home. Thank her for being a mother to you all. Just be appreciative. Show your appreciation with words, actions and gifts.

Finally, saying ‘I am sorry’ can save you a whole lot of headache. We already discussed this in the series. Learn to accept and admit when you are wrong, and apologize sincerely. Sometimes, even when you are right, you may need to admit the wrong, for peace sake. Apply wisdom.

God bless us all.

Good morning!

Reasons Why Marriages Fail (7)

Today we will be concluding on this series and I sincerely do hope that it has been helpful and we have all learnt one thing or the other. It is important we have healthy and wholesome Marriages, because they birth great society.

Another reason for failure in Marriages is sex. This comes in various forms, it could be too much libido on one spouse, too little libido, turning down sex overtures by spouses, poor sexual performance and so on. The good news is that there is none of these sexual conditions that cannot be remedied with medication, change in lifestyle and even practice. Again, it boils down to communication. Identify the issues and find a solution together. You can’t keep jumping from marriage to marriage in search of the best sexual partner, that is simply ridiculous! Stay with your spouse and solve the problem together. When you vowed to love him or her with your body, you have ceded full ownership of your body, so stop denying him or her of sex. It is your spouse’s right to ask for sex.

Yet another reason for failure in Marriages is Finance. Also this could be in several forms, poor financial management skill, impetuous spending, extravagance, non disclosure of income, secret savings account and so on. The rule is be opened to your spouse. Let your wife know your financial capacity, otherwise she will be demanding beyond your capacity. Plan your budget together, it helps against frivolous spending. Give each other some leeway in individual finances. If you can have a joint account, fine, but it is not compulsory. Woman, stop wanting to be like the Joneses. Their income may be more than yours, so don’t overburden your husband. Be of help to your husband. Support him financially, even if he doesn’t ask. He will appreciate you more.

Lastly, inability to say ‘Sorry’ when one party errs has broken many homes. The simple act of admitting you are wrong, repenting and apologizing genuinely can save you a world of trouble. Don’t be too proud or arrogant to admit being wrong. You will destroy your home if you are always insisting on being right. Frankly, even when you are right, you sometimes have to accept fault and apologize so that peace will reign. Only fools insist on being right all of the time. Don’t be one.

God bless us all.

Good morning!

Reasons Why Marriages Fail (6)

You can make your marriage an exception from the growing number of divorces. It all depends on you.

Another major reason why marriages fail is lack of conscious effort or laziness on the part of the couple. It may interest you to know that marriage is work, serious work. And like every serious work, you have got to work at it.

When the passion becomes lukewarm, you have to work to raise the temperature again. You have to constantly do things that will keep the spark in your marriage. Go out together. See movies together. Get on a vacation trip together. Just keep doing things that will make your marriage spicy. Naturally you will tend to become bored, you must fight this natural tendency by being innovative.

Make your home a Palace as a wife. Keep your home clean and tidy. Let your man always look forward to being home. Cook varieties. It is not about the money, there are a lot of delicacies that don’t require huge money.

As a husband, take care of your family’s needs. He who cannot take care of his own is worse than an infidel. Don’t leave your spouse at the mercy of your neighbors. Protect her. Defend her. Be her no 2 advocate after Jesus. Don’t ever condemn her in the public, even if she is wrong. Nothing hurts more than that.

Please understand this, marriage is one of those areas of Life where you can’t afford to be lazy. Either as a man or woman, you can’t afford laziness in your marriage, otherwise it will fail.

Pressures of life can crush any marriage, if permitted. When you have been pummeled and bruised by the day’s job, don’t transfer the aggression on your spouse at home. If you could keep mum when your boss was shouting unjustly at you, more than ever, you shouldn’t shout back at your spouse. In a gentle way, let your spouse know what you have been through, so that your spouse can manage your mood well. Don’t assume that you alone went through stuffs. And don’t assume that he should know you are angry. So you have got to talk. This takes us to another reason.

Marriages fail because couples don’t communicate. Couples assume a lot, and most of the time, wrongly. You assume the reason he doesn’t call you during the day is because someone has caught his attention or that he doesn’t care any longer. Meanwhile your man is trying to save his job by meeting crazy deadlines. He is thinking you should understand, without telling you anything about his job. You are thinking he no longer cares. Both of you are thinking and assuming and no one is talking!

This happens a lot in different scenarios and widen the gap between couple until they become strangers to each other. You must constantly communicate both verbally, in writing (text, chats, or even letters) physically and emotionally. If you communicate physically, you will quickly know when something is going wrong with the health of your spouse. You will quickly notice the lines on his or her face, the emaciated look will be quickly noticed. Many spouses have died of terminal diseases without the partners knowing until they passed on. This should not be.

Share your thoughts. Rub minds on issues. Discuss your plans. Clear doubts and suspicions. Don’t leave any wound festering. When you disagree, always ensure you reconcile and reach an agreement.

Amos 3:3. ‘Can two walk together, except they be agreed?’

God bless us all.

Good morning!

Reasons Why Marriages Fail (5)

Perhaps someone is wondering why we are taking so long on this topic. We should, because this is the crux of the rot in our world today. If we have great marriages, we will have great children and we are bound to have a great world. Broken homes birth broken society. Today we will look at one more reason for failure in marriage.

In the words of Audrey Hepburn, “If I get married, I want to stay very married.” One of the reasons for high rate of divorce is third party interference. For the purpose of proper understanding and correct contextual placement, third parties are people who are not bound by the spirit and letters of your marriage vow. Marriage vows are taken by two people, just the groom and bride, and after the vow, they become husband and wife. So anyone else apart from you and your spouse is a third party, including your children. Many homes have been broken due to unwholesome attention on the children at the detriment of the spouse.

Third parties can include parents, children, best friends, colleagues at work, spiritual leaders, neighbors, etc.

‘For this cause, shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall cleave unto his wife, and they twain shall become one.’ –  Matthew 19:5. In marriage, you are to cleave, or become one with your wife. No one is permitted to come in between you, not even your children. A lot of people are married but still single at heart. Many husbands still run to their mothers for advice on matters that should be discussed with their wives. I call these categories ‘Mummy’s Boys’. For singles, beware of Mummy’s Boys. If he is still tied to his mum’s apron, no other apron can win his heart! Same applies to wives who must discuss every decision taken at home with their parents. You will ruin your marriage, if you continue that way.

Trust in your spouse’s judgment. If you observe any weakness in your spouse judgement ability, pray for him or her, buy books and tapes on decision making and leadership. Don’t sneer or snide at him, reminding him how the last decision led to disaster. You will be breeding hatred in him. Equip your man in the place of prayer. The problem with couples today is that, we complain and talk too much but pray less about our spouse’s weaknesses. You can win the world on your knees, let alone your spouse.

It is equally important to stress that there are times you may require professional advice or counsel. If and when such situations arise, agree together on who to approach and go together. Except in cases of abuse, whether physical or emotional, don’t go seeking counsel alone without your spouse. Be your spouse’s first counselor of resort. Read and study the word of God. There are practical guides in the Bible to guide your decisions.

The second aspect to third party interference is on allowing third party to live with you. In some culture, it is normal for the in-laws to come visiting once in a while. Both of you must agree before hand that your marriage is your garden and not your in-laws garden. Once that is settled, no matter how difficult your in-laws may be, you will be able to manage them. Apply wisdom. Show love, care and attention to your in-laws, even when you are not getting it back. Your good deeds are seeds of turnaround.

Summary of today’s point :

– Don’t allow 3rd party to ruin your home
– Hone your decision making skills
– Your garden is Yours, not your in-laws’.

God bless us all.

Good morning!

Reasons Why Marriages Fail (3)

We have been looking at reasons why many marriages are failing and our focus has been on those intending to contract a marriage relationship. We will yet look at two more reasons before we proceed to those who are already married.

Recap of yesterday’s lesson :
– Don’t expect perfection, give room for imperfections.
– Agree before marriage
– Adjust in marriage
– Accommodate each other.

Today, we are looking at two reasons.

1. Marrying someone because of his or her wealth, in the absence of true love and affection is a sure recipe for divorce. If the only reason you want to marry that man is because he is rich and loaded and knows how to spend on women, then you are in for a hell of a shock. He will spend on other women as well.

Moreso, riches are not guaranteed to last forever, so what happens if he suddenly loses his wealth? Proverbs 23:5, ‘Wilt thou set thine eyes upon that which is not? for riches certainly make themselves wings: they fly away as an eagle toward heaven.’ Don’t waste his time if you don’t love him and can’t live with his weaknesses. I am not counselling you to look for paupers as spouses. Just let his wealth be just a supporting factor and not the main reason.

Also, if you marry someone with riches and no vision, you will both end up being poor. Visions feed riches and wealth. Show me a man of vision and I will show you a man of substance. Vision naturally attracts provision. So ask your man for his vision. Where is he going? If he doesn’t know where he is going, he has no right to take you along! Also, be sure you can follow him to achieve his vision.
2. In the same vein, marrying someone because of her beauty or shape is erroneous, if the underlying assumption of mutual love, affection and acceptance, is not satisfied. Beauty fades away. Age and child bearing will change that shape you so much admire today. So ask yourself, will I still love her if she grows fatter after bearing children for me? Will I be contented with her? Do you want to marry a model or a mother? A model is obsessed with keeping her shape and will do everything to keep that shape, even if it means denying you some rights. A mother sacrifices her body to nurture you and your children. Go for a woman with a motherly heart. Go for a woman with a beautiful heart. Proverbs 31:30.

Summary of today’s lessons:

1. Don’t marry for riches.
– Riches don’t last forever
– Marry a man with a vision

2. Don’t marry for beauty, beauty is vain.

God bless us all.

Good morning!

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adewumioni.com

Beyond the Looks

Adolf Hitler was considered a good looking man, yet he masterminded the worst holocaust in the history of mankind. His atrocities against the Jews remain unmatched till date. Delilah was beautiful yet she nursed the evil seed of destroying Samson in her mind. The point is, don’t judge people by their looks. In whatever relationship or situation, don’t base your judgment on the looks of someone else. ‘Oh he looks quite harmless, I think I can trust him.’ Don’t be carried away by his charms. Or ‘she looks innocent.’ You may be in for a shocker friend.

Ensure you carry out due diligence before you arrive at a judgment. Looks alone are not enough. Check his or her background. Test him or her. Check his or her temperament. Especially for those who are in search of marriage partners, don’t be deceived by the looks. Find out his or her health status. Blood group, and any family history. They are good indicators. Someone said ‘Marriage is a prison, so choose your prison mate carefully.’

Looks can be part of the factors for your decisions, but never to be considered as the only reason. Nothing is wrong with good looks, in fact you should always look good, but back up your looks with solid content. There are many beautiful ladies and handsome men who are walking corpses and nonentities. There are many good looking dudes and pretty girls who have nothing to offer than to suck you dry like a leech.

Swags don’t open doors,  but skills, talents, intelligence, diligence and integrity do. Forget the swags and look out for the real stuffs. A man’s worth is not in his looks but in his content. Go beyond the looks and check the contents.

God bless you all.

Good morning Africa!

Good morning Nigeria!

Build Your Support System

It is not good for man to be alone. Gen. 2:18. Woe betides that person who has no helper when he is down. Ecc. 4:10. Loneliness is dangerous. In those days, when hunters want to kill a lion, what they used to do is to isolate one from the pack, because they know it is suicidal to face a pride of lions. Same with human beings, enemies can penetrate easily when you are alone. Life’s challenges become easier to deal with when you have helpers around you. Your helpers form your support system.

You must consciously build and nurture your support system. If you don’t have a support system, you are as good as food for the lion. Your support system can be made up of friends, relatives, colleagues, bosses and religious leaders. You cannot build a support system if you don’t have good relationship management skill or good interpersonal skills. It starts with being helpful to others. Assisting people when they need help. Being good on your job helps to win the hearts of your colleagues and supervisors, and takes your relationship with them beyond official. Nurture your relationship with your spouse. Don’t have an enemy within, you are a dead duck if you do.

Life operates on the principle of sowing and reaping. If you sow help, you will reap help. If you sow kindness, you will reap kindness. If you sow cruelty that is what you will reap. So, you need to start reviewing what you are sowing. Don’t be a loner. Reach out to people. No matter how rich or strong you are, you will need help at some point. Don’t let pride blind you from building your support system. What you may need may not be money, it may be something ordinary which you don’t have. So don’t disdain people in building your support system. In times of trouble, what will determine whether people will respond to your distress call is how you relate with them in normal time.

It is true that God is the True Helper and the only reliable one, but He will still use people to help you.  So acknowledge God in all your ways and love your neighbors as yourself. Ask yourself these questions ‘do I have a support system?’ and ‘how strong is my support system?’ Answer those questions objectively and take necessary actions as relevant. May you not be stranded in life. Be conscious of your support system and take time to continually nurture it.

God bless us all.

Good morning Africa!

Good morning Nigeria!

Thoughts on Marriage

This is my opinion on marriage, “Marriage is like a shoe. When you wear oversize be ready to drag it along through out life, and
when you marry under-size be ready to feel the pains through out life.” One thing about marriage is that you don’t drop
your shoe or remove it at any point no matter how painful or how stressful it is –
That is why I thought it necessary to write you this letter.

Dear Singles,

When you are ready to buy your own shoe please take note of these three things:

1. Physical appearance: Do not look for the beautiful once, the nice once or the cheap once. Look for the one that is your size. Not every handsome, wealthy or intelligent guy is for you, not every beautiful woman is for you. Look for the one that is meant for you, the one
that aligns with your values and belief, the one who you meet at your life’s journey.
***
It is important to know where you’re going in life before you think of getting a wife.
***

2. Position: All sizes of shoes are not placed in the same place. There is a place for court shoes, laced up shoes, sport footwear, snickers etc. We have Children sizes, young people’s sizes and the
adult sizes. Know where to get your own shoe. Your size cannot be everywhere my brother, your type cannot be everywhere my sister. You cannot be a Christian, and be looking for a wife material at a club. Your wife or husband can’t just be everywhere.

***
Stick to your values and therein you shall find someone like you, but when your values are not defined anyone can just match you.
***
Discover yourself and define your values

3. Perception: In this kind of shoe purchasing enterprise, you are not permitted to try the shoe
before you buy. This is why it is important to seek guidance and counseling, from people who have bought shoes
before or are into the business of directing
people to the right shoes (Pastors and
Relationship coaches).

***
And most importantly to avoid much time
wasting time, simply consult the shoe
manufacturer to tell you your size (God
Almighty).
***

“You do not prepare for wedding, you prepare for marriage.”
Ladies these days get so motivated when they attend wedding and they will quickly want to say yes to that guy.
Wait!!! It is not just the wedding Ooh, wedding is just one day. After the wedding. WHAT NEXT?

Finally, it is not something you rush to the
market and just pick a shoes because you like or can purchase it.

Ask questions
-Where is this shoe made from? (Background)
-What’s the size (Values)
-How much (His/Her interest)
-How long will it last (His/Her Character)
-Who made it? (Is she/He of the same faith This is compatibility)
-Will it match me? (This is whether he/she love you and will accept you the way you are)

***
Dear one. Remember, many are dragging their foot and they would hardly reach their destinies, many are feeling endless pains and wish they could pull off the shoes but no way!!!

I have seen people with beautiful shoes and when they show you their foot, you will see scars.

Beloved, it is not about the physical, it is the size, you can’t know the size from afar so come close, build a relationship first but remember ‘you are not permitted to try it before you buy it’.

And for those who have purchased the wrong shoes, you can still make it your size again if you’d consult the manufacturer and let Him have
His way in your marriage.

God bless us all.

Good morning Africa!

Good morning Nigeria!

(This was copied and adapted)